After reading extensively in the genre, including such luminous works as, "What Women Really Want" by Niccolo Machiavelli,
timeless classics like, "I Think Harder Than You," by Rene Descartes,
mindbenders that took the field in whole new directions such as, "You're All A Bunch Of Fucking Monkeys" by Charles Darwin,
instant classics along the lines of, "My Boss Is Smarter Than You Which Is Why You're A Poor Fuck" by Napoleon Hill
and even modern cult favorites such as, "My BMW Is Bigger Than Yours,"
not to mention the daily reminders like, "17 Ways This Hot 18 Year Old Is Better In Bed Than You Are, You Worthless Wench Who Will Never Satisfy Her Husband,"
I have decided to try my hand.
I am working on the arch best seller, the book to end all books, the self help tome that will reduce all self help tomes to the piles of rubbish they truly are. This book will be called,
"How To Be More Like Me And Less Like You."
Here is the introduction. While it may seem like brilliant innovation, in reality it is simply the subtext culled from the weekly magazine headlines calling out to us all every time we go to the store to buy cough syrup with which to mix our meth. Without further ado, here forthwith...
"You are a fucking mess. Your life is a total and complete wreck. You never have enough money because you think you are worthless. Your relationships are all in turmoil all the time because you lack self love. Your career has stalled because you sabotage yourself at every turn. Your parents resent you. Your children wish you had never given birth to them. Your friends only come around because they either want something from you or they pity you and seeing your life makes them feel better. You are stressed to your breaking point most days and it is a wonder you are even still alive. Although why you would want to live at all with your life like this is difficult if not impossible to fathom. Your dreams have all passed you by. Time is running out. What a fucking disaster your life has become. If it has not already made you physically ill it will soon.
How did you get yourself into this mess in the first place? What horrible mistakes have you made? What unpardonable offenses have you committed? How can you completely turn your life around, create a whole new you, a better you, a you that is lovable, capable, better looking, sexier, smarter, more successful, happier?
Do not lose hope, my friend. Do not lose hope.
I am here to tell you that it is possible. I myself was once like you, a total goddam loser! But now, everybody loves me. Every day I give away lots of money to charity yet I have more than I know what to do with. I love myself so much women flock to me when they feel my self love. I am at the top of my career, succeeding wildly, surpassing all expectations. My parents always want me to come visit. They want to cook for me, hear tales of my amazing adventures, shower love and affection on me. My teenage children invite me to their parties. My friends are the most generous, giving people in the world, always asking what they can do to help me, always taking my advice and acting on it for the improvement of their lives. I wake daily feeling well rested and vibrant. I don't face the day, I AM the day. The day kneels at my feet asking me what I want from it. I have gotten all I ever wanted from life and a thousand times more. Whatever I set my mind to, I accomplish. I may not live forever, but I am fully embodying the infinite NOW! My health is off the charts. Doctors and experts ask me how I do it.
In short, my life is awesome. It doesn't suck the way yours does. And today is your lucky day because you hold in your hand the book in which I will tell you how to have a life as awesome as mine. I will lead you step by step through the process, from being a loser to being a winner. From being miserable to being on top of the world.
Anybody can be like me, so long as they pay me enough money and do exactly as I tell them without question or doubt. Of course, some people are too stupid, lazy or weak, or they just really like being losers. But if you are holding this book in your hand, I know you are not one of those people. You are one of us. The great ones. The beautiful, happy, successful, rich, lovable, talented people. You just need to do what I tell you and pay me lots of money and you will fully realize your utmost awesomeness. If you fail it is because you really are one of them, the outcasts. It is your fault, not mine. I am too awesome to fail. Are you?
Welcome to the whole new you!"